There’s a saying: your worst days in recovery are better than your best days with an eating disorder.

I wish that were true, but it’s a little idealistic. I like the sentiment of it. The message is designed to be motivational, and it is. The take home is that no matter how hard recovery is, being ill or relapsing is worse.

But for those of us who have relapsed, sometimes over and over again, that isn’t always strictly true. Because if all you’ve known for many years is being ill, that is your baseline. It is where you feel comfortable. It is who you are.

Sometimes, being unwell feels like somewhere familiar, where you know yourself. You feel in control in the zone of anorexia. You know what to expect. Often the days roll into one and you tick along as you are, living the kind of half life that…